Nope - I don't mean weaning as in weaning a baby - that was largely unsuccessful as many of you know!!! I mean, after 21 months of being chemicalised by medication it is time to stop. 😲
I was so reluctant to start taking the things anyway. I was not depressed, I knew that. And like most people, I linked these tablets to depression. The anxiety I was suffering was absolutely secondary to PTSD flashbacks and sleep deprivation - I also knew that. But at the time I would have done ANYTHING to feel 'normal' again. I remember saying to my therapist;
"If you said to me that you needed to perform brain surgery in the room next door to fix me I'd do it"
That's how desperate things had become - so the suggestion of medication was not questioned, and I went with it. I'll never know if the tablets had any affect on my recovery, as I started EMDR at the same time, but what I do know is - I'm better, I'm stronger, I'm flashback free, and it's time to say goodbye to this once and for all.
I'm not saying that as a PTSD sufferer, you are ever 100% free from it - you are not. Just the other day, after reassuring my worrier of a sister that I am fine and ready to do this, I caught sight of my c-section scar in the mirror later that evening, and was transported back to the theatre in an instant. BUT, that was all - no flashback as such, just a sad feeling about how I came to have the scar in the first place. Then I went to see my beautiful baby girl, tucked up in her bed fast asleep, and I thanked my lucky stars that she was delivered in the way that she was, and survived.
So I met with our 'in house' pharmacist at my GP practice. So refreshing to meet with the correct health care professional for the job in hand! While I have nothing against GPs, the majority I have met, either personally or professionally, have absolutely diddly squat of an idea about mental health! The pharmacist was utterly fabulous. He did my 'scores' again, and the results? A big fat ZERO for both depression and anxiety. He couldn't do the PTSD one unfortunately - but I'm sure it would still be super low, and nowhere near the impressive 65 that it once was!
The 'wean' has to be slow, due to the amount of time and the amount of medication I have been taking, but I should be free of all artificial chemicals in around 3-4 months. I am understandably nervous about any side effects - the effects of first taking the medication were hideous. Headaches, loss of facial sensation, acting like a zombie were a few of the treats I was subjected to! I am to expect similar on the 'come down'. Unbelievably it has started already - Awful shooting pains on the right side of my head, nausea and insomnia - fabulous 😖 So please all bear with me over the next few weeks while I 'de-chemicalise' 😆😆😆. I have read that people try to come off, cannot deal with the side effects, so carry on taking them - just because it is easier than coming off. I totally get it, I've already said the same to The Husband this morning............
What I'm looking forward to most is having a 'normal' appetite once more (instead of eating my body weight and tenfold in food/ sweets/ chocolate every day!), and being able to enjoy a glass of wine (or two!) without waking up having a crazy chemical reaction at 5am. I simply must start exercising again too - I have never felt more unfit in my entire life. So for all of those reasons I really must muddle through the next few months.
What I have to be utterly thankful for though, is that I got the help when I needed it the most - from everyone - professionals, family, work colleagues and friends (well most of them anyway......). So often it is highlighted on the news or in the media about all of these people suffering with mental illness, in particular soldiers with PTSD, yet they cannot access the help they so desperately need. I cannot even conceptualise where I would be or what I would be doing right now had I not been referred for EMDR when I was.
Like most things related to health and well being - it seems 'we' are not doing enough, and therefore cannot cope with demand. What is the solution? Money? Access to services? More qualified professionals? I daresay all of the above, and more. And like anything in the NHS at the moment, all of those things seem beyond reach. What is not beyond reach however, is awareness, freely talking about our experience, and encouraging others to do the same. This kind of thing is a help in itself, it makes you feel that you are not alone, and that mental health is not something to be ashamed of. Just this week a friend said to me
'I love how you talk about "when I went mad" and make light of it.'
Yes I do, but the reason I do is to highlight that I am not ashamed, and nor should anyone else be. No one asks or wants to lose the plot, to stop coping, to feel utterly helpless, to feel a failure. So I do believe that freely talking, and helping each other, is definitely the way forward for mental health. My free speech on the matter is not for attention, it is not me acting like I am the only person who has ever had a premature baby (unbelievably someone did say that about my behaviour in the early days), and it is definitely not for sympathy. It is to prove to those who may well be going through similar times but are afraid to say, that you can indeed admit that to yourself and others, ask for the help you need, and come out of the other side in one piece.
And for now - the focus is on coming out the other side of these meds, and truly feeling 'normal' again........whatever that is.
